• Troi

Let's Take Women off the Road

Updated: Jul 13

CONSTANTINOPLE, IOWA–

As I make way on the inevitable horrifying trip to the grocery store, doctor, or entertainment nexus in in my hometown, I look down the road in front of me. Who is struggling to hold onto a lane? Who is running in tandem in my blind spot? Who is deciding where they will go based on a conversation on their phone they are currently holding while doing 70 miles an hour?


I look behind me on the road too. Who is speeding in the right lane? Who is lurching by like a stone in the passing lanes? Who is tearing off the safety shoulder without looking what they're merging into?


If it isn't rush-hour in downtown Manhattan when I drive, I leave a buffer on my sides. This was in the initial DMV training all those years ago. It allows for quick steering if someone's car lunges at yours from ahead, behind or wherever. So who should be hovering near the sides of the car, in full suffocating violation of safe driving principles?


The answer is Women. But my hunch about my personal driving experience isn't demonstrated in the data generally available on the internet. Am I wrong?

“Another piece of motherly advice. Don't confide in your girlfriends. If you let them advise you, they will see to it, in the name of friendship, that you lose your husband and your home.”

Lucile Watson as Mrs. Morehead in George Cuckor's The Women (1939) written by Ane Murfin and Anita Loos (adapted from the stage play by Clare Boothe)




Statistics usually give the picture you never see. I abide by statistics, but in the case of woman drivers maybe not so much this time. What's the untold story on this?


Look it up and the numbers you see are that men are in the lead for motor vehicle deaths as drivers of passenger cars. Yes, it's by about three times the rate of women. Yet, men have more wrecks, speeding, traffic deaths and alcohol-related incidents than women. Yet again, men drive more. How much more? That part is unknown.


Once you've gotten the idea out of your head that Highway Patrol are unbiased protectors of the law, there may be a chance that I'm right that women are a nuisance behind the wheel. Are most traffic police above tearing up a ticket for a leg show/display of tears? Is this reporting on bad chick drivers one of the few exceptions to the actuarial sciences?

How would we ever find out the story behind the story behind the story?


Here's what I believe: It's about the 101st anniversary of the 19th Amendment: Suffrage (women's right to vote in America). This was swiftly followed by the 21st Amendment in 1933, removing men's incentive to work, which coincided with The Great Depression.


Correlation doesn't prove causation. But methinks the greater seizure of power by women displays an obvious pattern in el Western Culture. Not long-range thinkers, their planning and ideals have about a three or four year expiration date. Yet we allow women to plow down the road with a two-ton death machine after proving to the DMV that they can keep their eyes on the road for a twenty minute performance they pull off once in their life.


Think teenagers and their "phases".


Women are good with sand castles. Tides. Cycles. Tik-Tok. Snap Chat. Ephemeral things. Cycles.


Men on the other hand, carved the land for railroad track, often underlying the pavement we drive upon. They designed the engine. And our knuckle-dragging brethren put together the motor vehicle we have today.


Let me give you another example of why cars shouldn't be in the hands of women, cell phones. At the beginning of the new millennium, strippers, drug dealers, terrorists and doctors were the first to adopt the new technology. About a year later everyone had a flip phone.


The first time I heard about it, the proposition was science fiction-surreal:"Do you have seventy bucks, so I can add some minutes?"


Minutes of oxygen supply? Time in the feelies chamber? My contemporaneity reached for guesses of what the product or service was.


Today with the multiplication of instantaneous, military-grade communication (with the advent of the universal smartphone) now it's almost as though every person is a stripper, drug dealer, terrorist or doctor. Or so they would have us think.


Or so you would think by how many people dick around with their cyberdildos on the road. Would you beginning swimming out of your depth in the ocean with a running conversation going? Would you try to take a phone call while performing a kickflip on a snowboard?


Well, when a person eats it in a car it's usually worse than a chipped nail. So when embarking into the piloting of a vehicle amidst other cars why are so many engaged in these hideous attempts at multitasking? Anyway people getting dumber as the phones get smarter is its own tangent I don't think we'll untangle anytime soon.


But "hang up and drive already" is a start. This one goes both ways, e.g. for men who act like women, too.


Now, everyone on the road is like a crackhead auctioning his/her time to the highest bidder. While in motion. Now, every trip to get a gallon of milk is a potential high-caliber bumper car incident. Now, congestion builds up the exact moment a new throughway is finished.


So here's what we gotta do: Let's get women off the road.


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