Meet the Man with the World's Best Hair
Updated: Jun 30
CLEVELAND, TN–The men call him a vapid hair-farmer and pretty boy. Women call him dreamboat, pretty boy and other accolades. We get into the head of Tug Swaärjkley during this Harpoon exclusive.
HARPOON: How early in life did you begin working on your creamy coif?
TUG: From my first memories it's been my goal to be the envy of men and delight of women.
HARPOON: How long did it take you to develop what you have now–in terms of duration?
TUG: To get my present batch of luxurious locks, I had to grow an entire mane. But then– it might surprise you, I had to shave it down to skin. It wasn't lice or anything like that. So next thing was to get that second growth.
HARPOON: Oh wow, it truly is like hair farming.
TUG: Well you have to get the male follicles out of there, don't you? But you can't let them know they're a pawn sacrifice in the greater scheme of things! So getting back to your question, all in all it took four years. After some dilettante-ish starts I started on the present objective on my 16th birthday. Now that I'm twenty I feel like I've had some success, don't you?
HARPOON: Certainly! What advice do you have for aspiring hairboys.
TUG: It starts at the enzymatic level. Don't eat anything processed or cooked. I like to get a live rabbit or even a piece of natural latex and work it down my trachea. The cilia in my gut turns it into sprouts. You have to spit the vastly overwhelming part out though.
TUG: I'm kidding, couldn't you tell? In truth I like to rub the entire dome down with peanut, sesame and sunflower butter. I avoid hopped beers–and I'm a beer drinker. I cross Crystal Light's pink lemonade with full sugar passion fruit Kool-Aid for the tails of each strand and generally avoid any labor. I get most of my exercise through sex and going number two.
HARPOON: Is it political?
TUG: It can be. But I'm not talking to anyone about that.
HARPOON: Why not?
TUG: Demographics for the sponsors. I'm not limiting my potential audience size by alienating this or that group.
HARPOON: Any parting shots?
TUG: Robert Pattinson wears a wig! It's all showbiz, baby! Fake!
If you aspire to true hairiness you'd avoid camera lights–light in general, really. But especially camera lights!
Also stay away from barley like Frankenstein avoids fire! An old firefighter who had the best hair in the business before I came along told me this. He was a redhead but I implore you, avoid barley–and asafetida. They will depolarize the cations.
And Vitamin B1, B5, and B7, the rest are okay. And never look at a stop sign for more than five seconds. Or wear the color turquoise.