One Hundred and Fifteen Year Old French Cyborg Wins the Transgender Heavyweight Title
Updated: Jul 6
KANSAS CITY, MO–It was always an uphill battle for Gunther Calhoun. But the bitter path to glory finally bore fruit for the centenarian this past Friday in his legendary bout with Leroy Rolguprate, 23, at Goldensports Arena.
Leroy, the former heavyweight champion, also known as the Galloping Galoot, weighed in at his customary 202 lbs. His trainer, Jason Brahe was relieved to find that, while on the verge, Rolguprate had clinched his position in the ring.
The mood was tense in the Calhoun changing room as the French cyborg challenger, at the beginning of the weigh-in ceremony, lost his hold on the fight. "I was fifteen pounds too light. It was a nail biter. Honey, I didn't have that much nail to bite, shut up. Hee hee hee!"
So Gunther, in a tizzy of confusion, quickly had cement injections into his tuchas. The works were laser-sealed at the last minute to make the grade. Then it was go time.
His trademark lemon-colored trunks hang beside the bench in his chill room, as Calhoun begins his post-match tirade,"Champagne for me, real pain for Leroy Rolguprate."
"[Roger Rolguprate's uppercut] That all he got?" Calhoun gloats. "He thought those hooks were clean. He was going for my shorts. Well, you'll get no misinformation here! I'll show you my equipment!"
Round one was a blizzard of diffidence as Leroy Rolguprate calibrated where to land his punches. Gunther struggled with the pain of settling concrete by backing into a counter-clockwise circle. He traced counter-spinning steps like a Foucault pendulum dizzying the Galloping Galoot.
Round two saw Gunther find his stride. After a backhand glove to Leroy, the former champion retreated. He and came back with a flurry of bitch slaps. There was so much plastic surgery in Gunther's modified head it only served to wear Rogulprate out.
The third round was an ode to cybernetic ingenuity. The beleaguered 202 pound defender of the title faltered in his signature uppercut. Riding the momentum, Calhoun launched into his trademark whirlwind roundhouse punch. Unused to his new posterior mass, Calhoun gyrated his hips and twerked his cement pouch into the punches backend.
After the Galloping Galoot went flying, Calhoun knew he had cemented (no pun intended) his victory. The bell sounded and Gunther was met with his trainer/programmer Sprussel Yeltsin to the shock and amazement of the Goldensports onlookers. The upset leads Gunther to credit some unlikely inspirations,"I did it myself, but I wouldn't have been able to do it without my spiritual trailblazers Christine Jorgensen and G. Gordon Liddy. Now, honey-child, if you don't mind I need to go back into my cryo chamber."